Secret diary of Maximilian Thorn, aged 13 3/4

Woke up at 6am and thought, 'My Mum loves me, she won't want to miss a minute with me', so I barked and barked until she realised I was awake and came down to love me a bit more. I went out into the garden for a pee and a sniff and ran back in quickly to see her some more. She didn't seem pleased that I'd come in without waiting for her to do that strange thing where she wipes all my feet with a towel. Still, I probably imagined that - I'm a bit sensitive, you know. She sat down at that damn thing she calls a computer and appeared to be ignoring me, so I tap-danced and whinged till she turned and laughed and stroked my neck. I love my Mum. She couldn't have been laughing at me of course, cos she loves me too much. She was probably just laughing from sheer pleasure at my stopping her having to look at that weird screen thing. Then she was forced somehow to look back at it again, so I put my front paws on her lap and gave her a big kiss. She said, 'Off', but I know she didn't really mean it. Then she said, 'I said off, deaf bugger'. Then I knew she really loved me more than the other two, cos 'deaf bugger' is a new term of endearment that she only uses with me. That's cos I'm special. I'm her first dog and today I'm 13 and 3/4. She loves me much more than that scintillating bitch, Nina, who's only a girl after all, and MUCH more than the brat. Have I mentioned the brat? He and 3 others, indistinguishable from him, came to live with us a couple of years ago. Mum and Nina brought them back from the vet's. They were really small then and I didn't think they'd be an issue, but, boy did they grow quick. They got everywhere. I treated them with the disdain they deserved, of course; ignored them completely, in fact, but that didn't stop them running round after me and doing their poor excuse for barking. (Not proper big boy barking like mine. Hang on a sec while I do a bit more.) Anyway, after 8 weeks, my Mum realised they were pathetic compared to me and paid people to take 3 of them away. (Yes, she did, I saw money change hands.) Seems the brat (they call him Satchmo, but I call him the brat) was so appalling they couldn't afford to get anyone to take him away. And boy did he grow. I've heard people say he's bigger than me, but of course that can't possibly be true. Anyway, today's my 13 3/4 birthday, so Mum is going to take me for a really good walk and then Emma and Brian are coming for the weekend, specially to see me cos it's my 13 3/4 birthday. Yes, I know it's Mum's and Nina's birthdays tomorrow, but that's definitely not why they're coming; otherwise, why are they coming today? Got to go - sausages for breakfast. That PROVES my Mum loves me best. The other 2 will get tinned food - heh, heh.

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