The Nina Simone Guide to Parenting

January 6, 2011

 

The Nina Simone guide to parenting – a guide for first-time mothers

1. If in doubt, lick its bottom
2. When leaping from the bed to shout at a passing horse, try not to tread on more than two of the puppies
3. If the horse is imaginary, try not to tread on more than one
4. When all else fails, lick its bottom
5. If it won’t stop suckling to have its bottom licked, stand it on its head and do it anyway
6. Try not to look at the puppies with too much disdain as you pass the nest, or your mum might not let you out in the garden as much
7. Remember, this is the one time you’ll be allowed to eat as much as you want – cultivate a constant hungry look and head for the kitchen every time your mum goes in there
8. If the puppies cry, ignore them; they’ll fall asleep eventually
9. If they’re suckling and you want to get out of the bed, get out anyway; they’ll drop off at some point
10. If in doubt, lick its bottom

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